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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  April 13, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

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- okay, i call these, ha, "another cover." - i call these "brown paper bag" money. deep cut. - okay, i call these "another one." - i call these, ha-- i really want those. - hm. ( cheers and applause ) >> chris: oh my god, it is 29 minutes until midnight, when a champion will be crowned. it's been exhilarating week of competition but it all comes down to this, nine of "@midnight" finest battle it out on stage, all week long for a spot on this very night n this very panel for the "@midnight" tournament of champions finals. along the way-- all right, yeah, that. (cheers and applause). >> chris: there it be only one upon whom we shall bestow the two girls one cup, (applause) which is also filled with
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something. there's something in there and i don't know what st but the winner is abouting to drink it. tonight let us meet our comedians. first up monday's win-winner mosh casher from the hail bay area grad ated from a degree in jewish study fromu c santa barbara, a surprising group of school with a group named santa. fain wins and one eliminate, pleas welcome one of lens crafterrer's magazine 40 most near sighted comic-- comics under 40, moshe casher. shall kasher. >> chris: all right. all right, all right, he's going to think are you faking. our next competitor is doug ben son raised in san diego california, doug has been named one of the top comic to watch by the u.s. drug enforcement
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agency. as of tuesday victory disowg is the winningest "@midnight" comic in mystery with 20 wins in 37 appearances. though technically doug can only recall four of those. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome "@midnight" highest scorer and the one i know to have eaten cat food at one point. doug benson! >> chris: our final gladiator is melana vinetreub from the state of ooze beck stand, the fujy 14 year old may have fewer experiences than her competitors she is the only finallest with i will add a perfect record of 6 wins and zero losses. she is the defending gold medal winner of "@midnight" nontrademark infringing international competition for gold, silver and bronze medals
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tm and as of now tonight she competes again to win a tin cup of [bleep], please welcome her. (applause) (applause). >> chris: okay. from last night tonight, i must want to point out, beginning of greas sandy, end of grease sandy. >> i got chills. i do not know her. >> i want to you look at the cough eted two girls one cup and i would like to ask you now before your audience who will decide tonight who shall be the
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ultimate champion. what do you plan to do with it once you have learn won the champions. >> i will do what tom brady does i will smile so big people forgot i cheated. >> chris: points for that. moshe kasher. >> next time an troll like you won a participation trophy, i will be like, i got one. >> chris: points. doug ben son. >> i don't know, chris. but i do know this is the most [bleep] up i've ever been on this show because i came to win. >> chris: all right. points for doug. and now it's time to play some of our flippity floppitiy fun [bleep] games, time for the unusual suspects. last week our social media accounts were hacked by an unknown someone or someones. we were initially shocked that anyone would want to sabotage our modest little program but we realized a big part of our show is messing around and diqing on
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internet goof balls and it's plausible that one of them hey be harboring a grudge to snuff out culprits i will show you somebody a target of our japes t is all in good fun, we don't ever mean to hurt anyone's [bleep] feels. so i just want to get that out there. for 250 points tell us what we can do to make it up to them. first up we profiled canadian juggalo kotton kandy and her song do you want fries with that. do you want fries with that. ♪ hellia. ♪ i want fries with that. ♪ uh-huh. ♪ do you want fries with that. ♪ yeah. ♪ i said. ♪ extra large. ♪ where the hell did you get med quum from. ♪ >> chris: i know. after it aired she responded on twitter, was featured on "@midnight" they spent a good segment making fun of juggalos, haters going to hate, got to
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stay serious. (applause) comedians, how could we make thup traffesty to kotton kandy. moshe. >> soak her tam upons in faigo,-- faygo. whooo whooo. >> i did not know that we could add whooo whooo to a punch line. are we also allowed to aad wawa wa. >> chris. >> have you tried giving her fries with that? >> chris: next. we're also get a hearty cringe from the holderness family, this he make family friendly song parodies. here they wrote a song about thanksgiving. watch me sip my chardonnay. ♪ watch my sip, sip my chardonnay nay. ♪ cuz i been cooking since 4:30.
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>> chris: they. >> they seem like the white family in get out. >> chris: points for that i just imagine that's what playing on a loop in gwyneth paltrow's brain all the time. comedian, this lady put down the white wine long enough to hack us how should we apologize to her. >> we should give her a dvd box set of kowgartown. >> chris: points. good idea. melana. >> we could move her to orange county where white people have open fields, where they could dab and nae nae without anybody teaching them about cultural appropriation. >> chris: points. listen, don't get your white people from a honky mill. as more commonly known, a cracker barrel.
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our final suspect, smash mouth, the 90s alternative rockers responsible for a musical genre we now refer to as shrek core has been a constant target since our show's inception. now we are not 100 percent sure smash mouth has the technology-- what? >> hey now, this is me, mr. steve harwell lead singer of the multiplatinum grammy nominated band smashmouth. i just heard that somebody was talking [bleep] about my band and his name is chris hardwick aka dollar store ryan seacrest, okay. that is not cool, brother, okay, we got to stop that kind of stuff. we may not be for everyone. and i admit that. but we make perfect music for many situations. like a superchill divorce hearing, a raging bat mitzvah or a beautiful chilly cheese orgy with guy fieri, one of my great
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friends. i'm not saying i hacked into your computer using high-tech to powered flipflops and hair product but if i did, listen up, all you comedians out there, i command you tweet a nice thing about pie band right now. and if you don't, i'm going to tell you one last thing, this ain't no joke. (applause). >> chris: wow. that was very serious. we got to give it to him. we have to give a-- for steve harwell for-- i give him points. you heard him, comedians t seems like he means business, during the break i want to you tweet something nice about smash mouth. we'll be right back with more "@midnight," tournament of champions here. (applause) ♪
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blue moon is brewed with valencia orange peel, for a taste that shines brighter. do i see coffee ice creamf the monwith espresso flakes?to. i do! is that a ribbon of gooey, salted caramel? it is!
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am i feeling all tingly right now? i am. caramel macchiato at baskin robbins? [sfx: ding] yes, please! the goalie has studied every one of your shots. she knows you're going for her left corner. she even teases you, calling the shot. but her legs are the ones trembling, not yours. ♪ time to shine. orbit. that gentleman jack gets its exceptional smoothness from a mellowing process it undergoes not once... but twice. because if once is good, twice is better.
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." tournament of champions, it's anyone's game still. before the break i told to you tweet something nice to smash mouth to make up for the times we diqs on them. doug, let's start with you. >> they have a song in the movie shrek, that is the nicest thing i could think of. oh wait, maybe their families love them. >> chris: maybe. i don't know. moshe. >> smash mouth, thank you very much for your service, your music provided a lot of valuable intel at guantanamo. >> chris: all right. melana. >> @smash mouth always reminds me of my dad because much like smash mouth in order to see him have i to go to the county fair.
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(applause). >> chris: thousand to melan a, 500 to doug and moshe. to our feks game, guinness world rekt. in 1955 the same year lightning truck the clock tower, famed brier guinness established the guinness book of records originally intended to certify local irish achievements like most whiskey drunk by a mule and most children sharing one bedroom but in time it expanded becoming guinness world records which made minor celebrities out of the woman with the world's longest finger nails, why would anyone do that. or the worldest stingiest hill billy, oh, yes. yeah, that's right. yeah, that's right. we did not learn our lesson. smash mouth guy steve harwell, we still take cheap shots. i will show you someone attempting a world record and answer a followup qui. sheer kiru bel yilma setting a
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word for the longest time to spray water from the mouth. you got to want it it. you go to the want it. be the ball, how is this still useful? melana. >> he can technically call himself a squirter. >> chris: points. >> i can't. >> chris: moshe. >> this is for when you're too poor to afford a bidet. >> chris: points for that. doug. >> how is that useful? ask the people in flint, michigan, chris. >> chris: okay, all right. points for that. very socially conscience, doug. next one former record holder for fastest nasal typest her is
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chursheed hussein from indian. >> he clocked in a record time of 47.44 seconds, for the 98 character prescribed message jz what message is this man typing with his nose. >> this is how jews write books. >> chris: points. >> can i say that. i can say that. >> chris: you can can say that. >> i've written a book. >> chris: melana within i think he is saying i'm a chicken. back back back. >> chris: finally check out the u.k. contortionist setting the record for most body revolutions. >> i would just give an award for not fart dogger thatment that is impossible. how do you know she's not
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farting. >> chris: someone needs to take this footage and put in little scweeky farts all the way around. the official name is the most full body revolutions maintaining a chest stand in one minute which is a little clungy. what say better name. >> most poorly attended gangbang . >> chris: points. >> one for you, and one for you, and one for you. >> chris: melana. >> dizziest boner. >> chris: yes, points. we'll take a quick comergses breaker but first scarlett jo hansson takes out a bad ass action hero. check out this trailer. >> help me, please. don't let me die. >> who sint? here at jack daniel's, we would like to remind you
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that gentleman jack gets its exceptional smoothness from a mellowing process it undergoes not once... but twice. because if once is good, twice is better. do i see coffee ice creamf the monwith espresso flakes?to. i do! is that a ribbon of gooey, salted caramel? it is! am i feeling all tingly right now? i am. caramel macchiato at baskin robbins? [sfx: ding] yes, please! classic hershey's outside.
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with a new creamy, crunchy inside. new hershey's cookie layer crunch. classic reimagined. oh no, looks like somebody needs a new network. when i got this unlimited plan they told me they were all the same. they're not. verizon has the largest, most-reliable 4g lte network in america. it's basically made for places like this. honey, what if it was just us out here? right. so, i ordered you a car. thank you. you don't want to be out here at night 'cause of the, uh, coyotes. ok, thanks, bud. bye. be nice to have your car for some shelter. bye. when it really, really matters, you need the best network and the best unlimited. just $45 per line for four lines. they said it was impossible to have great-tboom.g light beer. award-winning heineken light, brewed with cascade hops. they also said it was impossible to hypnotize you. you're getting sleepy... watch the beer! ♪
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[ [ screams ] ] [ shouting ] brace yourself! this is crazy! [ tires screeching ] whoo! boom baby! rated pg-13. [ screams ]
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welcome back to "@midnight" tournament of champions. oul our finalists are true heroes of the hashtag wars, the foundation of "@midnight." next jokes about robot, penis and robot penis but we are here to crown a champion. we're noted going to-- we're not going to just do one stupid hashtag like cow tv or whatever so we can make dumb jokes like how i met your udder. though that is a good one. we are throwing down the gownt let with our lighting round superhashtag wars two turbo championship edition two. so it worked very well for last year's tournament of champions, i will hit with you some of our biggest hashtags from the past
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year it could change at any time. guess your buzz are hands ready because the scores are very close and this will determine without goes for for the win. we will kick it off with one word off books, one word off books begin. >> moshe. >> war and pi, piss. >> points. >> naked brunch. >> points. >> the da vinci chode. >> chris: melana again. >> who [bleep] my cheese. >> chris: points. odd add a movie, ruin a movie. doug. >> i brave heart huckabees. >> chris: points. moshe. >> superman-- by the sea. >> chris: doug. >> the lost weekend at bernies. >> chris: points moshe. >> rosemary's boss baby. >> chris: five words. moshe. >> i thought i was black. >> chris: points. melana. >> i dropped out subbing it. >> chris: points. doug. >> i got my ged that's five words, right? >> chris: star wars songs.
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moshe. >> you walk like an egyptian. >> chris: points. melana. >> hey now you're a death star. >> chris: points. moshe. >> woking me up before you jar jar. >> chris: points. last one. cow tv. cow tv. moshe. >> problem with mooshe cowsher. >> chris: doug. >> mad about cow disease. >> chris: pointsk melana. >> don't trust the beef in apartment 2b. >> chris: very good, moshe. >> meat the press. >> chris: very good. >> oh no melana your perfect record has been shattered. >> what? >> chris: on the tournament of champions. moshe and doug were too fast on the buzzer. [bleep]. >> they are really fast hand motions, they're both really good at this. >> i understand the problem is that i was doing this. >> yes. >> chris: i'm so sorry to
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eliminate you. you are a true comedy champion. i adore you and you always crush on this show. melana vinetroop, everyone. that means it's time to fulfill the destiny of a champion, it's for the win. you may not know the name vincent connare but are probably familiar with his work especially if your job is creating missing cast poster, the creator of the world's most detested font, comic sans. according to-- it is nice to hear you take a stand on something. according to a recent interview mr. connare remains bots proud and defirches of his type face saying the real problem is people's misuse of the font and makes a good point. the internet loves taking photos of tease type face disasters so much that buzzfeed compiled a list of 22 comic sans abuses for example, this ambulance right
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here. should really only use this type face to post to their imagine calls come from carnival explosions. and of course this internet classic right here, please keep the door closed, thank you. please don't use comic sans, we are a fortune 500 company, not a lemonade stand. we're the company around the corner that makes fuj. comedians, we need to do our best to piss off the internet by coming up the absolute least appropriate thing you you could ever write in comic sans. we will have the answers and name the ultimate winner when we come back to the "@midnight" 20ur7bment of champions. champions.-- tournament of champions.
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it's time for you and your boys to get out of town. (laughing) left foot. right foot. left foot. stop. twitch your eyes so they think you're crazy. if you walk the walk you talk the talk. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance you switch to geico. hide the eyes. it's what you do. show 'em real slow.
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blue moon is brewed with valencia orange peel, ♪ for a taste that shines brighter. "@midnight" towrnl of champions it is for the win, the ultimate win. someone is going to take away our two girls one cup interest ofee and have their name engraiferred under last year's winner paul f tomp kins. i will wipe your points clean, wipe, wipe, before the break i told you how the inventor of comic sans defend the his type face and asked you to compose the absolute least appropriate thing could you ever write in that stupid font. these are not going to be appropriate by any one's standards, so i'm just warning you in advance. let's see what you came up with, number one.
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>> chris: some woman in the front row grabbed her chest. oh no! all right. or. number two. i guess i get to say [bleep] is the winner. doug ben son has won the internet. doug, please, doug what a happy day for you. take your trophy. doug is the funniest for the next 23 and a half hours and i guess the next 364 days. monday night our guests will be guy branum, rhett miller and
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margaret cho. until then keep the game going 6789 cow tv to become monday's tweet of the day, i'm@hardwick on the tweets and intra ---- insta graham, be nice to etch other. to etch other. cheers, cheers, cheers. - all right, let's try over here. set up traps there and there as well. last time i saw him, he ran right through here. - this is so retarded, cartman. you've got everyone believing your stupid story. - it isn't a story, it's true. i saw a leprechaun. i've seen him come through here three days in a row now. hawkeyes, this is dragonwind. do you copy? - this is hawkeyes. we've set up the net, and we're standing by. - copy that, hawkeyes. keep surveillance tag alpha-niner. dragonwind out. - just admit you were lying, cartman,

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